In 2013 when I published, For Love and Money: Exploring Sexual & Financial Betrayal in Relationship, I described and coined the term, Monetized Rage; Behaviors involving financial control and exploitation fueled by covert or overt levels of rage and shame.
The #MeToo Movement had yet to expose the sexual harassment and financial exploits of powerful men. Calling out the sexual and financial exploitation of vulnerable women (Men were exploited but to a lesser degree or frequency.) hadn’t yet found it’s rightful voice and face in history.
The #MeToo shined a light on sexual abuse and Eroticized Rage (ER), patterns of sexual arousal that are fed by elements of revenge, entitlement, and resentment. This arousal pattern is based on shame turned into anger, and it often involves covert or overt levels of abuse and possibly even violence. However, the abuse of the women also included financial exploitation. The patterns of abuse were not only sexual, but also financial.
What is Monetized Rage?
Monetized Rage (MR) behaviors have a close relationship with ER, as both sets of actions involve control and exploitation through the use of rage, contempt, disdain, and perverse entitlement. Whereas ER is about sex, MR is about financial control and exploitation fueled by covert or overt levels of rage and shame.
There is a greater potential for exploitation of a vulnerable person with sex or money when the more powerful individual is in a position to deny or grant access of sought resources. These two forms of abuse or control are not mutually exclusive. When money and sex are fused in the service of exploitation, the two create an even more destructive form of rage and control often exhibited in narcissistic, and potentially psychopathic populations.
Monetized Rage, like Eroticized Rage, is opportunistic and frequently rooted in deep feelings of anger and shame that justify exploitation for personal gain and are synonymous with narcissism. Narcissists crave authority and power. This assumes self-entitlement, grandiose and biased views of the self, while exploiting relationships for their sexual or financial benefit.
Common traits of a narcissistic personality include:
- Taking advantage of others to achieve their goals.
- A preoccupation or obsession with fantasies that focus on exaggerated success, power, intelligence, approval and acceptance.
- Belief in one’s uniqueness.
- Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others – lack of empathy or compassion.
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her.
- Hypersensitivity to criticism or defeat.
- Arrogant behavior and/or attitude.
Help for Monetized Rage
Our work will help to identify the underlying issues that contribute to the dynamics that put many couples at continued risk for relational distress and/or dissolution. In every relationship there are imbalances in relational currencies, and there are also both spoken and unspoken agreements about those imbalances.
A common unspoken agreement is I bring to the relationship my good looks, and as long as my looks hold up then you as the person with the money will supply the lifestyle I want. But, we don’t stay young forever and as we inevitably age a disparity in relational currencies arises in this type of covert or overt agreement. Relationships that rely on externals ultimately see behaviors like spending money without the knowledge or consent of the other partner, possibly an extramarital affair and/or sexual conquests.
Not all relationships are created equal. Some partners wish to stay in their relationship and work together with their partner to restore an imbalance of power. Other individuals recognize that to stay in this exploitive dynamic is unhealthy or potentially life threatening to them self or their loved ones. In the case of heightened risk or threat, seek the help of a professional to protect yourself and makes plans to carefully exit the relationship.
Debra Kaplan is an internationally recognized clinician specializing in financial betrayal and self defeating beliefs and behaviors involving money and work. Debra conducts personalized intensives and workshops for individuals, couples and families who struggle with:
- Sexual and Financial Betrayal
- Shame from Childhood
- Money and Wealth
- Wealth in Childhood
- Poverty Mentality
- Poor Self-Esteem
- Money Control and Exploitation
- Work and Life Imbalance
If you see evidence of Eroticized or Monetized rage in your relationship, then it’s time to get help! Contact Debra today to develop healthy strategies and behaviors with money and work in your life! Debra trains other professionals how to identify and support clients in their healing from sexual and financial betrayal.
Debra consults with professionals, businesses, and financial organizations to help foster healthier work environments.
What I see in my practice is that when one or both individuals begins to look inward at what they value, and they bring that honest conversation to the therapeutic table, then a healthier relationship begins to take shape.