Money and work problems are the most commonly cited causes of relationship conflict leading to divorce or separation — yet the emotional roots of these conflicts are rarely addressed. As a credentialed financial therapist and CSAT-S with a background on Wall Street, Debra Kaplan brings a rare combination of financial expertise and clinical depth to the treatment of money disorders, work addiction, and financial infidelity. Whether the issue is compulsive spending, financial betrayal, wealth obsession, or the ways money and sex become entangled in a relationship, Debra provides expert, trauma-informed treatment for individuals and couples ready to break the cycle. When couples fight about money, they are often fighting about what money represents.
When Money and Work Become the Addiction
Work addiction is one of the most socially accepted and least treated behavioral addiction. Unlike substance addiction or sex addiction, compulsive overworking is encouraged by culture and by the individual’s own need for control, validation, or escape. But the consequences result in deteriorating relationships, emotional unavailability, neglected intimacy, and a relentless cycle of achievement. Work addiction often coexists with other behavioral addictions, including sex addiction and financial disorders, as all three share the same underlying drivers of shame, trauma, and the need for adrenaline. Debra treats work addiction as a behavioral addiction with the same trauma-informed, clinically rigorous approach she brings to all compulsive behavior.
A loved one may self-identify as having an unhealthy or addictive behavior with work. A financial therapist can be helpful to address the personal and professional stressors associated with their behavior.
Additional conflicts about work arise when we recognize that there is no one definition to identify overworking, work addiction or compulsive work, nor one cohesive perspective with which to view work behavior. A research abstract in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions explored ten myths about work addiction. To the authors’ point, the balance between what is a healthy passion for work and work addiction is very delicate, because for most of us, work is a positive and necessary experience.
The balance between what is a healthy passion for work and work addiction is very delicate, because for most of us, work is a positive and necessary experience.
Early life experiences (both positive and negative) often become associated with money and work. These associations form an emotionally powerful connection that can lead to lasting negative compulsions and addictions into adulthood. We all struggle from time to time with money and work, but when your life becomes negatively impacted by obsessive thoughts and actions related to both, it is time to get help.
Money and work issues (including financial infidelity) are unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that negatively impact ones financial, emotional, spiritual and relational well-being. When money is used to control or exploit, this forms the basis for financial betrayal. A related but separate issue is financial abuse. Controlling or exploitive behavior patterns (for either the abuser or abused) are often the result of underlying emotional and/or family influences.
*Money Scripts is a term coined by Brad Klontz, Rick Kahler and Ted Klontz.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity is the hidden or exploitive use of money and finances in a relationship and can be as destructive as sexual infidelity. These behaviors are often the result of learned beliefs, behaviors and attitudes that began in childhood. Keeping financial secrets is not always considered financial infidelity. However, according to a survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education cited in a CNBC article by Jessica Dickler published February 12, 2020, the lack of transparency can adversely affect the relationship for three out of four marriages.
Common behaviors that are associated with financial infidelity includes: Impulsive financial decisions, wealth obsession, money insecurity, revolving credit card debt, chronic overspending and under-earning, hiding purchases, secret bank accounts, and unresolved relationship conflicts due to money and work. (Watch Financial Disorders Videos)
Additional behaviors associated with financial infidelity include:
- Financial Infidelity/Sexual Infidelity
- Monetized Rage
- Compulsive Work
- Sexual Betrayal
- Wealth Obsession
- Gambling Addiction
- Compulsive Spending
- Financial Incest
- Overspending/Shopping
- Self-Deprivation
- Financial Deprivation
Sexual and Financial Infidelity
Sex, money and power are three elements that affect all relationships at one time or another; sometimes with devastating outcomes. Consider the successful executive with an ongoing extramarital affair or the spouse who travels for business and takes sexual advantage while working out-of-town.
Sexual betrayal often includes financial betrayal as a spouse may pay for their affair partner’s rent or lavish them with drinks and gifts. Regardless of gender involved, betrayal in this or similar ways creates real and lasting damage to primary relationships and family’s finances. Unfortunately, many clients get help only after the negative consequences of their financial and sexual betrayals are so severe they can no longer be ignored.
Financial Therapy
Financial therapy combines therapeutic and financial competencies by addressing financial goals and challenges. A financial therapist attunes to the emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and family-of-origin influences in order to promote financial health and success.
Traumatic childhood experiences can set in motion unhealthy attachments to sex, love, money and work. Adult life consequences result in an over and/or under-valuing of these and other compensations for a low self-worth. As a result of these unhealthy beliefs there is a strong potential for addictions, depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma, and attachment disorders in adult life related to:
- Sex and money
- Financial exploitation of significant other (Monetized Rage)
- Perpetual search for more ______ (Wealth, Sex, Power, Control…)
- Healthy relational communication about intimacy, sex and money
- Financial control and manipulation in sexual and intimate relationships
- Financial infidelity involving sex, money and work
- Unresolved childhood trauma
- Family patterns regarding money and work
- Healthy coping skills
Getting Help
Although Debra is based in Arizona, her client base is international. Debra conducts personalized financial intensives and couples financial workshops to help individuals and couples heal their struggle with money and work. Just as sex can be used to self medicate stress, shame and pain; so, too, can money and work.
Debra provides in-person and telehealth sessions to an international client base. In addition she provides in person and virtual sessions to individuals and couples in Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Minnesota, Ohio, and Utah. If money, work, or financial betrayal has become a source of conflict, shame, or secrecy in your life or relationship, help is available.
