Comments for Debra Kaplan Counseling http://debrakaplancounseling.com Specializing in Sex Addiction, Relationships and Trauma Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:10:43 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Emotional Incest and The Relationship Avoidant by Mariahttp://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest-and-the-relationship-avoidant/#comment-17 Maria Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:10:43 +0000 http://debrakaplancounseling.com/?p=588#comment-17 I was an abused child, verbally, physically and sexually by cousins and other adults. I have through my years tried so hard not to repeat what was done to me and I can honestly say that I have not done the things that were done to me. However, loving my son the way I do and having been married to a narcissistic controlling abusive man for almost 20 years caused me to view my son as "me and you against the world". I was educated by my therapist to "free" my son from feeling that at age 27 he is my protector and that I need him to help me financially keep the house and to be protected by him from further physical violence especially since I am now divorcing the narcissistic husband. I was not aware that I was doing the same thing to my son as my parents did to me, namely, having my world revolve around my son and being his partner in us against the world instead of allowing him to be a child without the worries of having to protect mommy. It makes me sad that I did the same thing but through prayer and therapy, I am conversing with my son and assuring him that I am an adult and that I will be all right - that he needs to go on with his life and become the man I know he can be. I wish I could have seen this much earlier in life, so that he would be secure in who he is and not "resent" me. I spoke with my son about this and we are approaching things differently and he says he understands that he needs to be free and explore and learn who and what he wants to become. Of all things, my son is a child advocate and works in the mental health industry to protect and help children who are themselves abused. Thank you for a very well written article. Maria I was an abused child, verbally, physically and sexually by cousins and other adults. I have through my years tried so hard not to repeat what was done to me and I can honestly say that I have not done the things that were done to me.

However, loving my son the way I do and having been married to a narcissistic controlling abusive man for almost 20 years caused me to view my son as “me and you against the world”. I was educated by my therapist to “free” my son from feeling that at age 27 he is my protector and that I need him to help me financially keep the house and to be protected by him from further physical violence especially since I am now divorcing the narcissistic husband.

I was not aware that I was doing the same thing to my son as my parents did to me, namely, having my world revolve around my son and being his partner in us against the world instead of allowing him to be a child without the worries of having to protect mommy. It makes me sad that I did the same thing but through prayer and therapy, I am conversing with my son and assuring him that I am an adult and that I will be all right – that he needs to go on with his life and become the man I know he can be.

I wish I could have seen this much earlier in life, so that he would be secure in who he is and not “resent” me. I spoke with my son about this and we are approaching things differently and he says he understands that he needs to be free and explore and learn who and what he wants to become. Of all things, my son is a child advocate and works in the mental health industry to protect and help children who are themselves abused.

Thank you for a very well written article.

Maria

]]> Comment on Emotional Incest by Rachelhttp://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/#comment-12 Rachel Fri, 02 Mar 2012 19:24:44 +0000 http://debrakaplancounseling.com/?p=69#comment-12 I stumbled accross this entry on your website and was stunned by it. I don't fully understand what you mean by the "sexualized" nature of a parent using a child to meet adult emotional needs, but the rest could be taken right out my own life. At 29, I'm in a battle with myself to summon up the courage and the wherewithall to separate from my mother, who has inappropriately involved me in her life since I was a little child. I'm a youngest child, daughter among many sons, and apparently the perfect confidant. Like "Alysa," I've been dragged into my parents marriage most of my life, (a war zone if ever there was one) but I have never wanted to be there. I've always felt abandoned by my mother, but couldn't see why, because she's always been there. I just always wanted certain boundaries, and now--belatedly--I'm putting them up myself. I do love my Mom. I stumbled accross this entry on your website and was stunned by it. I don’t fully understand what you mean by the “sexualized” nature of a parent using a child to meet adult emotional needs, but the rest could be taken right out my own life. At 29, I’m in a battle with myself to summon up the courage and the wherewithall to separate from my mother, who has inappropriately involved me in her life since I was a little child. I’m a youngest child, daughter among many sons, and apparently the perfect confidant. Like “Alysa,” I’ve been dragged into my parents marriage most of my life, (a war zone if ever there was one) but I have never wanted to be there. I’ve always felt abandoned by my mother, but couldn’t see why, because she’s always been there. I just always wanted certain boundaries, and now–belatedly–I’m putting them up myself. I do love my Mom.

]]> Comment on Emotional Incest by Brendahttp://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/#comment-11 Brenda Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:54:23 +0000 http://debrakaplancounseling.com/?p=69#comment-11 Hi, I have just ended a 2 1/2 yr relationship with a wonderful, loving, christian man that has had this relationship with his 34 year old daughter for years. I guess I am just needing affirmation that I have done the right thing. She seems to be the driving force in this relationship, asking her dad not to be involved with anyone. She likes it when it is only the two of them. He really does treat her more like his wife than his daughter. He divored his wife when she was 2 because of drugs and alcohol. They were affluent people in the community. I pointed this out to him after I realized they were in an emotional incest relationship. He doesn't deny it but won't seek help. He wants to have me around,says he loves me, but can't divorce his spouse/daughter to have a normal relationship with me. I am a nurse and also have a great friend that is a counselor. She has helped me recognize the very abnormal incidents and given me recommendations to encourage him to make changes. He still emails me, ( I haven't responded yet)but I can't get back into this relationship til he gets help. Hi, I have just ended a 2 1/2 yr relationship with a wonderful, loving, christian man that has had this relationship with his 34 year old daughter for years. I guess I am just needing affirmation that I have done the right thing. She seems to be the driving force in this relationship, asking her dad not to be involved with anyone. She likes it when it is only the two of them. He really does treat her more like his wife than his daughter. He divored his wife when she was 2 because of drugs and alcohol. They were affluent people in the community. I pointed this out to him after I realized they were in an emotional incest relationship. He doesn’t deny it but won’t seek help. He wants to have me around,says he loves me, but can’t divorce his spouse/daughter to have a normal relationship with me. I am a nurse and also have a great friend that is a counselor. She has helped me recognize the very abnormal incidents and given me recommendations to encourage him to make changes. He still emails me, ( I haven’t responded yet)but I can’t get back into this relationship til he gets help.

]]> Comment on Emotional Incest by Leighhttp://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/#comment-8 Leigh Sat, 24 Dec 2011 09:53:57 +0000 http://debrakaplancounseling.com/?p=69#comment-8 This article opened my eyes to something that I've had a blind spot to for decades. It's inspired me to do more research. Thanks This article opened my eyes to something that I’ve had a blind spot to for decades. It’s inspired me to do more research. Thanks

]]>